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Sifu Jokes

These are old Army Ranger jokes that were eventually turned by some into Chuck Norris jokes.  If you have any good ones e-mail me and I'll add them.  If you are offended, don't email me.  I don't really care.  They are jokes. Many of these were donated by readers.

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Sifu.

  • Sifu doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Sifu has allowed to live.

  • Sifu can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Sifu.

  • Sifu does not sleep. He waits.

  • Sifu is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

  • When Sifu does a pushup, he isnít lifting himself up, heís pushing the Earth down.

  • Sifu is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

  • There is no such thing as global warming. Sifu was cold, so he turned the sun up.

  • Sifu gave Mona Lisa that smile.

  • The chief export of Sifu is Pain.

  • Sifu walks into a bar and the bar said "Ouch!"

  • Sifu has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

  • When Sifu sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Sifu has not had to pay taxes, ever.

  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Sifu's fist.

  • Sifu is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

  • Police label anyone attacking Sifu as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Sifu pajamas.

  • Sifu doesn't churn butter. He chainpunches the cows and the butter comes straight out.

  • Sifu is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will punch you in the face.

  • Sifu ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

  • Sifu doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

  • Sifu's straight punches don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

  • The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Sifu instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Sifu kicked Sauronís ass halfway through the first chapter.

  • Sifu is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

  • "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Sifu calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

  • When God said, "let there be light", Sifu said, "say 'please'."

  • When Sifu works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

  • Sifu has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one punch to the face a fight?

  • If you were somehow able to land a punch on Sifu your entire arm would shatter upon impact. But this is only theory since no one in their right mind would try this.

  • President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Sifu carried his the same distance in half the time.

  • If Sifu wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

  • When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Sifu's for help.

  • Sifu is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

  • Sifu enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

  • When Sifu was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Sifu.

  • When a video of Sifu was aired in France, the French surrendered to Sifu just to be on the safe side.

  • Sifu does not know about this webpage. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

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